I smell stomach acid.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
