I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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