My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
