I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
