Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
