i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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