.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
