Yo dont text me then not text me
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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