I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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