plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
