R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
