Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
