I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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