ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
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