i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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