are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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