dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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