Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
