sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
