I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
