Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
And then he peed in my hair
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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