My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
