Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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