who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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