Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
