My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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