if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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