Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
