Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
