why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
