I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
