it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
