He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize