i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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