if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
