Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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