well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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