I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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