Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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