apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He? As in you personified your dick?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
