I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
