broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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