She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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