did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
