Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
