It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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