it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
