i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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