Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
