Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
