Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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