meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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