fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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