Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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