y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
