I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
