Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
