and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
