I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
